i am going to try this thing called sleep after i finish sifting through my thoughts.
t.j. had a heart attack a few days a go. manda had told me (once he was admitted) that he hadn’t taken his blood pressure medication since the spring. i was so mad at him i was ready to fuss as soon as i laid eyes on him. but when i got into his room, i just broke down crying. i could barely get anything out, all i could say was “don’t you do this to me” over and over again until the tears stopped. while he was in there, we talked, and both of us need to do some lifestyle changes. i told him he had my help and support whenever he needs it. i still want to kick his ass, damn aries. it would take something drastic to get his ass to listen. at 32 he’s had his first heart attack.. just wow. they had to put a stint into his heart. they went in through his wrist, which i thought was pretty cool. if he would have had to get his chest opened. well. those thoughts are left un-thought.
speaking of health, i need to make an appointment with my doctor. here lately i have just felt so run down and out of whack. i don’t know what’s going on. my migraines are back and today (last night through actually) i’ve been feeling like i’m coming down with the flu or something. i went from hot flashes to cold chills. i’d wrap up in my blanket then a few minutes after that i’d break out in a sweat. if i got five total hours worth of sleep i’d be surprised. i just want to make sure everything is ok.
so for a little while i thought the universe was making fun of me. i kept seeing owls everywhere, for like weeks. 2 different days kenzie wore different shirts with an owl on each one. ny had a shirt that had an owl on it (i don’t even remember buying it for her). and then, i’ll be damned, bd brought a salt and pepper shaker set home: white owls. i was like, universe wtf? well come to find out, the universe probably was making fun of me. He has gotten astral projection down and has visited me a couple of times while i slept. i was all, yay You did it! then, wait..while i slept? i want to be happy that i finally got to talk to Him… but i don’t think… W/we can’t be friends. all i want to do is serve Him, but He has no use for me. i won’t lie and say i understood everything He was saying. i still don’t know what kind of understanding He got from his travels. what i do know is regardless of what happens with U/us, i’m not going down these roads (because W/we took many) with anyone else. like i told Him, what W/we had feels like lifetimes. there’s no point in me going after someone else in any capacity, not on imvu. it would be meaningless and i can’t fill a void with meaningless bullshit. i wanted to ask if He’d still let me have His baby. but i am so scared of the rejection. nothing hurts worse than constant rejection from the Nigga that owns your soul and heart. nothing.