i… wasn’t worthy. i loaded into my room tonight. the frame that i asked for is nothing but black nothingness. i will put it back up, it’s the nothing i deserve. right now though.. i just can’t. i can only be thankful that He let me keep my apartment (if He lets me keep it).
i can’t get high enough to get away from how low i’m feeling.
i had a night of having things explained to me, being shamed, getting cussed out, and got my collar snatched. i feel so small. i went to sleep crying. but in the grand scheme of things my puffy eyes don’t matter because the kids still have dance rehearsal this morning and i have to go for a job interview after that. so i’m off and on with a cold wash cloth on my eyes, they should look normal by the time i have to go. i still feel like i’m about two inches tall. but, i brought it on myself. so, like i tell my kids, “suck it up cupcake, ain’t nobody to blame but you.”
i was going to come and be on some woe-is-me type shit. yummy saw me crying and started laughing. that made me realize i need to put on my big girl panties. the little girls i keep (2 years and 6 months old) are probably a microcosm of some of the people in my life. yea, they may see me hurt or cry, might even know that i’m depressed, running off of 5 or less hours of sleep a day.. but as long as i’m there for them that is all that matters. i get that i’m home all the time and basically have no life. i get that as a mom and a homebody i don’t really have much to offer anybody. buy people’s groceries when they are low on food and i still have a few stamps. keep babies damn near all day. make sure my kids are on track in school, going to pick them up from the boys and girls club, the football field. make sure dinner is done. clean the house. get to see my niece and nephews only when their parents need a break. i’m the go-to-girl. since mama died i have basically pulled away from everybody. if i didn’t have nobody to talk to before, that is really true now. this is like my only outlet. how sad is that? anyway, nobody is going to take care of me but me. the sooner i get that through my thick ass skull the better off i will be. after yesterday, i don’t even know if i still have a Master to lean on. that is terrifying to me. but… that’s His choice to make. i’ll just do what i always do, prepare for the worst.
just don’t know. it seems like i only come here when i want to sort out my feelings about a Certain Person lately. but right now, i don’t have anybody that’ll listen and the One i need to be discussing this with i have a feeling ain’t feeling me now. i won’t lie, it hurt my feelings when i got told i was sharing dick. like, it cut deep. i didn’t think i was doing anything wrong. dude ain’t messed with cam in months… she told me that awhile back herself. i don’t talk to or hang out with any guys on imvu. i didn’t make myself available like that so when i was given permission… i don’t have a wide variety to pick from, as lame as that sounds. he was an easy choice to me; he kept in touch through inbox messages from time to time, he’s nice, seems genuinely interested in me, single. the other guy i was interested in hasn’t been on since i got my permission. then, come to find out, he got back with his ex. so even he would have been a bad choice, i would have been sharing dick either way. i just wanted to get it over with and i . i didn’t even want to fuck nobody else.. i just should have left it at that and dealt with whatever consequences would have came with not fucking. He changed his interests, badges, and status. He also put a pulse up. i don’t want to assume any those have anything to do with me, but it’s hard not to. especially that pulse… i didn’t do anything behind anyone’s back, i didn’t sneak around.. i feel like crying. i’m just going to post up in my room, watch some zombie movies till i go to sleep, try to get out of my feelings, and try not to stare at the pic He made for me.