been a hella long week

i am going to try this thing called sleep after i finish sifting through my thoughts.

t.j. had a heart attack a few days a go. manda had told me (once he was admitted) that he hadn’t taken his blood pressure medication since the spring. i was so mad at him i was ready to fuss as soon as i laid eyes on him. but when i got into his room, i just broke down crying. i could barely get anything out, all i could say was “don’t you do this to me” over and over again until the tears stopped. while he was in there, we talked, and both of us need to do some lifestyle changes. i told him he had my help and support whenever he needs it. i still want to kick his ass, damn aries. it would take something drastic to get his ass to listen. at 32 he’s had his first heart attack.. just wow. they had to put a stint into his heart. they went in through his wrist, which i thought was pretty cool. if he would have had to get his chest opened. well. those thoughts are left un-thought.

speaking of health, i need to make an appointment with my doctor. here lately i have just felt so run down and out of whack. i don’t know what’s going on. my migraines are back and today (last night through actually) i’ve been feeling like i’m coming down with the flu or something. i went from hot flashes to cold chills. i’d wrap up in my blanket then a few minutes after that i’d break out in a sweat. if i got five total hours worth of sleep i’d be surprised. i just want to make sure everything is ok.

so for a little while i thought the universe was making fun of me. i kept seeing owls everywhere, for like weeks. 2 different days kenzie wore different shirts with an owl on each one. ny had a shirt that had an owl on it (i don’t even remember buying it for her). and then, i’ll be damned, bd brought a salt and pepper shaker set home: white owls. i was like, universe wtf? well come to find out, the universe probably was making fun of me. He has gotten astral projection down and has visited me a couple of times while i slept. i was all, yay You did it! then, wait..while i slept? i want to be happy that i finally got to talk to Him… but i don’t think… W/we can’t be friends. all i want to do is serve Him, but He has no use for me. i won’t lie and say i understood everything He was saying. i still don’t know what kind of understanding He got from his travels. what i do know is regardless of what happens with U/us, i’m not going down these roads (because W/we took many) with anyone else. like i told Him, what W/we had feels like lifetimes. there’s no point in me going after someone else in any capacity, not on imvu. it would be meaningless and i can’t fill a void with meaningless bullshit. i wanted to ask if He’d still let me have His baby. but i am so scared of the rejection. nothing hurts worse than constant rejection from the Nigga that owns your soul and heart. nothing.

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so i got the email yesterday that i’m on the CHA HVC list. i’m a little amped. i just hope, when the time comes, that we won’t have to live in charlotte. i don’t feel me or my kids will.. idk, fit in(?). it has a lot of crime, i mean, a lot. that’s part of the reason i didn’t get an apartment there when i first got out of job corps. they sent me to a little rinky dink neighborhood, the apartments were just this side of being projects. i couldn’t, just no. so now that i’ve gotten the email, i’m happy but nervous at the same time. i had been wanting to get out of this neighborhood, but not if that means we’ll have to move to a worse one. i’m trying to give my kids a better quality of life.

i’ve been looking into earthships a lot lately. that is my dream home. the thing is, they are expensive. the construction drawings alone cost thousands, not to mention the seminars and books… but i have been doing my research. a lot of the money will be spent on contractors and materials. once i figure out how to salvage everything that will be needed, that will take the cost way down. i want the three bedroom one. i know nothing about building a home, lol i don’t even know anyone who knows anything about home building. the tires (basically the base of the home) shouldn’t be too hard to procure, everything else though, i don’t know. but, its my dream, i want it and am willing to do whatever needs to be done to make it happen.

i miss Him. so. fucking. much. that is all.

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viola!

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i really like how it turned out. the cracks made my ocd act up, but with more practice i know i will get better. once we got the cake there, people ooo-ed and ahh-ed; the birthday girl loved it. as the party went on, a couple of people actually approached me about business cards (never thought to make any) and one wants me to do a birthday cake for him. made my day. i’m going to make it to. he wants a record because he’s into music. some ideas started popping in my head as soon as he said it. look at me, getting customers and shit lol. wait.. am i officially like “in business” now? lawd.

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almost done

i think i did ok for my first time working with fondant. i was up until 3 this morning decorating that cake. it still isn’t quite finished as i still have to add the bow and tag. i think i will add the finishing touches when we get to kannapolis… i’m already worried about transporting it as it is. its kind of big and very heavy. i don’t want to put it in the trunk because it will slide around; i don’t have anything to anchor it down with. no telling what kind of unseen damage could go on. so my only option after the trunk is to let the kids hold it on their laps. smh, i don’t want to do that either. i can already hear them arguing. if anything happens to my cake (because its mine until i give it to the birthday girl lol) because they can’t get along i swear i will kill them both. i want to show it off on facebook, but alisha doesn’t know her mom had me to make her a cake. don’t want to ruin the surprise.

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finally got some sleep

or something akin to sleep. only took four shots and a slight hangover this morning, but i slept. me and ny went out for a little shopping today. now i have to get started on these cakes.

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feb. is too far away

http://moviepilot.com/posts/2014/12/11/why-the-newest-walking-dead-character-could-be-even-cooler-than-daryl-dixon-2499923?lt_source=external,manual

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