the weather’s changing

idk if i have ever expressed this here or not. my daughter, though she does have a lot of her dad in her, is my mini-me. it is almost like going back in time, seeing my thought processes when i was her age. it’s hard to put into words how that makes me feel. what i do know is that, a lot of times, when i am getting on her ass about things she should/shouldn’t be doing.. i have these little “oh shit” moments where i be like, so that’s what it feels like to deal with me. some of the shit that comes out of my mouth will be on par with what He had said to me. or she’ll give some bs answer and i’ll be like, damn that sounds like some shit i said. having a younger mini mirror is a strange thing. i wonder if other parents identify with their children like that? not just with traits or hobbies, but the bullshit that they do? is it hard for everyone else to see their shortcomings in a small package? is that why i am so hard on ny, trying to force her to be better than me? -sigh- i just don’t know.

it seems that He and i came to the same decision.. He was just able to give His a voice. which relieved me, but it still hurts knowing i will never be able to have that bond with Him ever again. that’s why i couldn’t bring myself to tell Him. i knew i couldn’t but i have never been able to tell Him no. when He told me though, like, i don’t know. of course it hurt. i mean, how else are you supposed to feel when the Nigga you’re in love with promises to never fuck you again? i knew W/we weren’t having sex anymore once my birthday came and went. if it wasn’t going to happen then, i knew it just wasn’t going to happen. that cemented some stuff i had on my mind, a couple of other things i know won’t happen. it makes me sad, but in the long run i suppose its all for the best.

on a lighter note, someone is going to pay me to make a graduation/birthday cake. i am amped about that. i have been looking up designs and i found one that i think i can do. it is going to be at least 2 tiers and i am going to use fondant for the first time. i hope i don’t fuck it up. if i pull this off, maybe making cakes can be a different hustle for me. i need that.

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my life would be so much easier if i had anybody i could borrow $300 from… i can’t get anything done, can’t get ahead of these bills.

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TWD returns!!!

thank you AMC for my birthday gift!!

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8 minutes until my birthday.

i don’t want to cry about it. i just want to chill and enjoy my birthday. so that is what i choose to do. “it is what it is.”

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almost accurate

Color Test – Results

Your Existing Situation

“He is continually trying to hide her impulsive behavior, but her actions are causing problems and doubt from others. This causes her difficulty in making progress and leaves her feeling tense and irritable.”

Your Stress Sources

“Unhappy in her current situation or relationship, but is unwilling to change things due to her need for acceptance and belonging. Refuses to be seen as weak and although she is resistant to give too much to the relationship, she stays committed in order to feel the attachment. The situation depresses and irritates him, causing restlessness and impatience. she is seeking some sort of escape from the situation either physically or mentally, which affects her ability to concentrate.”

Your Restrained Characteristics

“Believes her hopes and dreams are realistic, but needs reassurance from others. Has strict standards when looking for a partner and wants guarantees that she will not be disappointed or lose.”

Current events have her feeling forced to make bargains and put aside her own desires for now. she is able to find satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective

“Always trying to make a good impression on others, and is constantly watching to see if she is succeeding in this. Is interested in how others react to him; this makes her feel in control. Strategically plans out ways to gain further influence over others and special recognition. Is easily distracted by the pleasingly beautiful and original.”

Your Actual Problem

“Feeling anxious and restless frustration toward current situation or unfulfilled emotional requirements are causing stress. Tries to escape into a fantasy-type environment full of sympathy, understanding, and artistic beauty.”

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i just have to cry it out.

i have so much going on inside of me. i can’t put it into words, all i do is feel. the tears come when they want to now, it doesn’t take much… a pic, a thought.. songs are the worst. i can’t fall apart like last time, but like i do deserve this. i will deal. these tears though.

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i don’t even like yo gotti, this is my jam though

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