i ♥ kurrupt
i’m sitting here at nyny’s practice.. well waiting on it to start, listening to pandora, and listening to my little thoughts. if i’ve never explained any part of myself, i will let you know now that i’m weirdly random and randomly weird. so i’m sitting here and my mind goes: what if you had a superpower? me and my dumb ass answers back, how do you know i don’t? lol. and i’m thinking, well what would it be?
my superpower would be anonymity, so obvious right? i am unassuming, quiet, a virtual wallflower. its very easy for me to blend into the background even if i’m being social. like i don’t go out of my way to be seen so i’m forgettable for the most part. when i was young and would be hanging out, i’d notice how some of my friends would change their stories around, saying shit they didn’t say or just fabricating whole events. i was so non confrontational then smh. it took me a long time to be able to call people out on their bullshit. long long long time. in the meantime though my anonymity made it crazy easy to see for myself the liars in my little clique. I learned some people talk just for the sake of talking. I learned that people who talk about others to you will definitely repay the favor when they talk to someone else. I learned, above all things, to keep my business to myself. I don’t know if its a byproduct of being in the hood in a small southern city or just people being people but i didn’t need mama to tell me the more people know about you, the more they will use your business against you. Some things you learn the hard way.
i was a very naive child, which is crazy considering i had a crack head for a mother. it is what it is i guess. she kept us from a lot of the things she did, even when we got grown. we have a word down here: fass, which usually reserved for kids who are fucking (or even look or talk like they are). well my clique was fass and i learned their ways real quick. hanging with them, i knew what a frenemy was before that was ever a term. and when they got me to start fucking i got to know what mean girls were on a personal level. i was sheltered, so all the shit that came with that fucked me up. i didn’t know how to act/respond. i withdrew into myself. I still hung with the same girls, but on a superficial level. there wasn’t any confiding deep dark secrets with anyone or anything girls that age do. the most people learned about me from then on was that i like to read. quietly, i became the nerd of my group.
and that, in the end, worked out the best for me. by the time i got to high school that was all people knew or thought about me. even my “closest” friends. let me tell you, when you’re only seen as the quiet nerd, you can get away with a lot of shit. a loooooooot. i was still fucking. by the time i got to high school, I was so fass i needed a cape. no exaggeration. but i kept my grades up, for a while anyway, and i never did the all out teenage rebellion thing. i never gave my mom any cause to worry about me then. and she didn’t. she was busy doing her own thing. so now imagine little nerd mika doing something untoward.. laughable right? short of going on a bloody killing spree, i could pretty much do what i wanted. I was smoking weed and had started smoking Newport’s. (to this day i have had people tell me they can’t imagine me smoking.) my brother started on the cigs before i did, so when mama’s went missing, he automatically got the blame. she would hide them in front of me and still wondered how tj got to them lol. it wasn’t until i quit school and she got me a job that she found out because i asked her to buy me some when i got my first paycheck. that’s when she put two and two together, and that was at least a year and some change after the fact.
i got used to slipping under people’s radars, is what i’m saying. it seriously has not been until my adult life that accountability has even been a thing. like, recently in my adult life. how awful is that? and if i hadn’t met Him, i probably still wouldn’t be there. i mean yea, consequences. but that’s not the same as accountability i don’t think.
i’m in my feelings right now, reliving things that i thought i had buried deep in the back of my mind. i confessed that Him looking at me makes me self conscious sometimes. when He asked me why, i gave Him the short answer: i’m not used to the attention.
so here’s the long answer.. i had issues with my dark skin most of my life. coming up, i got picked at a lot because of it. i was called ugly, a monster, all kind of things. i wanted to disappear a lot of times. see, some dark skin girls counter this by fighting, being loud, and so on. things like that have never been in my nature though, so i just became a wall flower. if i kept my head down and did as little as possible to bring attention to myself, i figured people would leave me alone. and they did for the most part. i had a lot of targets: being dark, being poor, mom being an addict.. ugh, i even had a jheri curl at one time. just imagine.. so yea, there were really hard days for me back then. i always had good grades, was nice to everybody (even the ones that picked on me), i didn’t start trouble, and i stayed to myself. pretty soon i was just the weird quiet nerd people came to for answers on their tests. by the time i got to high school, i was pretty much a ghost; until i quit. it was just one day and looking back on it now i feel so stupid for letting it be the reason that i quit. i can’t even remember what i was wearing, but i must have committed a heinous dress code crime. all that day i got picked on and shit threw at me. i couldn’t take it. i called my grandma, faking a migraine and the next day i told mama i wasn’t going back, i had just turned 16 and in the state of nc, she couldn’t make me go to school if i didn’t want to at that age. she was so mad. i think she was more disappointed than anything, but it came out as anger.
over the years i just got used to being in the background. yea i was fucking, but that’s how i got the attention that i wanted. it didn’t matter that i’d probably never hear from that person again, or if i did it would be only be for one thing. i was finally getting attention. after awhile that got old. i had a few friends but those were superficial friendships. they talked as much shit about me as so-called outsiders did. so, i was back to being by myself. you get used to it.
when i got with my bd, it was more or less getting what i was used to. he hardly notices me unless dinner isn’t cooked lol. i expect that.
so now, with Him, even after all this time, i still get self conscious when He looks at me. it’s almost like i expect Him to call me a monster or something. and that’s fucked up. but, i’m fucked up. i like when He looks at me, i’ve never felt special enough to be paid attention to. when i opened up just a little to let Him know that and why, He didn’t believe me. and i didn’t know what to say because idk how to get Him to understand. how do i explain what its like to be ignored for most of my life to One who’s so used to getting attention, it gets on His nerves? idk.
just up. i have a few things on my mind but, eh. think i need more sun or something. something has me feeling so blah.
today has pretty much been a breezy day for me. once the fam went to church, i lounged for a bit, then straightened up the house. we have had spring-like weather today, so the kids have been out almost all day. ny loves her phone, she’s always listening to music now. both of my kids have eclectic music tastes like me, they will listen to basically anything that sounds good to them lol. ny is stuck in the 90s for some whatever reason (probably me, idk); she was in the living room earlier downloading candy rain by soul 4 real lol. nick loves his phone just as much.. even though he’s had to endure the weekend without it. somehow, he ended up leaving his phone with a teacher friday and has to wait until monday to get it. why putting it in his pocket instead didn’t come to his mind, i will never know. but i did email the teacher about it, so there should be no issues come the morning.
we’ve been able to keep our heads above water a little better these past couple of months, so i’m hoping my stressing will start to abate a little. the bills are getting caught up, some even paid up. it’s nice to be able to breathe for a minute. after my brother’s heart attack, i am trying to be more mindful of my mind state and stuff. some things i can’t help but worry about but now i am trying to not dwell on my worries as much. things will happen; some i will have control over, many i will not. those are the ones i dwell over the most, the things i cannot control. i have to get better at letting go.
it seems W/we have turned another corner.. it was wonderful the time i had with Him. i asked why He changed His mind, all He said was He feels differently. i don’t know what that means but i am learning not to ask many questions concerning the hows and whys of the decisions He makes. god i missed Him. i was a quivering mess and still wanted more. needed it. He just…after all these years (it boggles my mind sometimes thinking about how long [off and on] W/we’ve been in E/each O/other’s lives) nobody makes me feel/react the way He does. my mind and body were singing and for just a little bit the shit that i’ve done left my thoughts. i was His, even if for just that moment, and i sank into that. i was feeling Him, able to touch Him (minimally so as not to press my luck), the world dissolved away for me. for that time it was just Him and me. then it had to end unfortunately. my thoughts came crashing back with new ones woven in. new worries now. but all i can do is live in the moment with Him. He’s in the midst of moving so He’s busier than before. i don’t want to be a bother.
and then there’s my nia, most adorable chocolate drop you ever did see :D she is the culmination of everything W/we have been through, but she is way more than that. she is my light, my love, my little magical demony chocolate delight. she is all the good and pure intentions i’ve ever had where He’s concerned. she is perfect in every way and i couldn’t love her more if i birthed her in real. i have four children, nick, ny, nickko, and nia. i love them all equally in ways i’m sure many can’t understand. no, nickko and nia aren’t my real kids. if it hadn’t been for ‘vu, i would probably have never been blessed with them in my life, but here they are and i love them just as much as nick and ny. they are my babies, end of story.
t.j. called from work saying that he was having a dizzy spell, his job ended up having to call an ambulance for him, and now he’s at the hospital. seems like its a good ending to a not-so-good situation right? well not so much. i had to take manda to get the truck (because his hardheaded ass drove to work, but i’ll get to that) and on the way, she let me know t.j. hasn’t been doing what he’s supposed to do. he was supposed to change his diet, start a few medications, and stop smoking those damn ports. his doctors had him on the patch while he was in the hospital after he had his heart attack, sent him home with a prescription for chantix. manda told me that her son’s grandmother AND me and t.j.’s godmother told him he did not have to buy the chantix because they could get it for him, free of charge. he’s still has the full bottle his step-son’s grandmother gave him. then on top of that, he hasn’t been keeping his nitroglycerin or his aspirin on him like he’s supposed to. he hasn’t even cut back on his cigarettes and quite frankly, manda thinks he’s smoking more than he was.
then, the icing on this whole fucked up cake, he drove himself to work. my brother does not nor has he ever had a fucking driver’s license. he keeps getting his black ass behind the wheel, and never mind the fact that he’s been pulled over numerous times and has gotten numerous tickets for driving without a license and has a court date coming up on the 9th. he still drives. if it was just going back and forth to work that would be one thing, but t.j. drives wherever like he’s legal. so i have to think what would have happened if he had his dizzy spell while he was driving? what would have happened then? he doesn’t think about this shit… its like i’m having to take care of mama all over again because he is just like her. its like he’s trying to pretend like his heart attack never happened and he can keep doing the exact same shit he was doing before he had it. that’s exactly how mama was. she had to have her chest cracked open twice and have a leg removed and she continued on like the doctors had magically made her body parts brand new. i talked, prodded, and fussed at mama until i was damn near blue in the face. every time she made it seem like she was going to/wanted to get her health together. and then we’d have the argument all over again a few days after that.
i am not going through that with my little brother. i refuse to let him go down that road knowing where it leads. other than my kids, him and his kids are all i got. and i won’t get into how he’s being unfair to manda, probably not even thinking about what she goes through each time he has to go to the hospital. i know she and i don’t consider ourselves friends but she is my family and i have to think about her too.
i’m just.. tired. feels like deja vu or something and not in a good way.