i have been trying to get this video of yummy walking uploaded on here all day. damn app is getting on my nerves.
or at least finally able to call myself out on my own bullshit. which is kind of liberating for me honestly because for the longest i never looked at the “why”, as in, why do i do the things that i do. not beyond the surface anyway.
i’m deep in my feelings, missing Him… like it’s almost physically painful when i don’t hear from Him. my mind gets all fucked up, depressed and it just makes me feel more alone sometimes. i went down this path long time ago (different situations but essentially the same feeling on my end, feeling lonely or abandoned) and got caught up in my feelings so i welcomed any attention i got. that almost got me fucked up, in more ways than one I’m sure.
so, to shorten up this story, a person from my past reached out to me on fb yesterday. after a couple of messages, my mind spoke up like why are you talking to him? like i had full blown conversation with myself. and basically what i figured out is i depend on Him emotionally way more than i even 💭 i did. that is scary. i think some D/s relationships depend on this emotional bond and i know i would be pretty much useless to Him if i didn’t have a deep emotional attachment to Him. it’s just… idk. He’s around way less and i don’t want to be an emo brat whenever He is able to talk to me. i can’t keep my feelings from Him yet i don’t want to be needy. He’ll just get mad at me. i hate when He gets mad at me, especially when i just try to let Him know how i feel. it’s belittling almost. if the way i feel about Him not being around will just piss Him off, what does that say about me? am i that selfish and needy? -sigh- i’m not trying to be.