i have been trying to get this video of yummy walking uploaded on here all day. damn app is getting on my nerves.
or at least finally able to call myself out on my own bullshit. which is kind of liberating for me honestly because for the longest i never looked at the “why”, as in, why do i do the things that i do. not beyond the surface anyway.
i’m deep in my feelings, missing Him… like it’s almost physically painful when i don’t hear from Him. my mind gets all fucked up, depressed and it just makes me feel more alone sometimes. i went down this path long time ago (different situations but essentially the same feeling on my end, feeling lonely or abandoned) and got caught up in my feelings so i welcomed any attention i got. that almost got me fucked up, in more ways than one I’m sure.
so, to shorten up this story, a person from my past reached out to me on fb yesterday. after a couple of messages, my mind spoke up like why are you talking to him? like i had full blown conversation with myself. and basically what i figured out is i depend on Him emotionally way more than i even 💭 i did. that is scary. i think some D/s relationships depend on this emotional bond and i know i would be pretty much useless to Him if i didn’t have a deep emotional attachment to Him. it’s just… idk. He’s around way less and i don’t want to be an emo brat whenever He is able to talk to me. i can’t keep my feelings from Him yet i don’t want to be needy. He’ll just get mad at me. i hate when He gets mad at me, especially when i just try to let Him know how i feel. it’s belittling almost. if the way i feel about Him not being around will just piss Him off, what does that say about me? am i that selfish and needy? -sigh- i’m not trying to be.
and i can’t lie… i want to be all bratty and temper tantrum-y about it. way back though, when i did resort to childish antics when i missed Him, He basically told me it is not fair to Him when i act that way. if He could be around He would, so i just have to deal. doesn’t stop me from feeling some type of way.
so Tammie (the bestie) found out while she was at work yesterday that her daughter has been suspended from school since last thursday and needed me to get her from work early so that she could find out the whole story. do i have to paint a picture of how pissed she was? i think not. for one, Nu has been pretending that she’s been going to school this whole time. on top of that, her punk ass got suspended because she got caught stealing money out of a locker. when Tammie asked her why, Nu’s answer was basically she could and I almost lost it for Tammie. at that point, Nu pulled out a knife and was handing it to Tammie, talking bout her mom should kill her because she (Nu) doesn’t want to live anymore. by this time Tammie’s son Mari had walked in and when he saw the knife it was pretty much a wrap. he saw it as a threat and went to his sister’s ass. their big brahma bull asses tore my sister’s kitchen up. i come in holding Yummy trying to help Tammie break their big asses apart. Yummy is crying, everybody else is hollering and screaming. then they took it outside, man. so, still holding Yummy i ran my black ass around the corner to go get Connie, Tammie’s mom. Nu is still carrying on about not wanting to live anymore and how her daughter deserves a better mom. let me interject my opinion on the suicide talk, i’ve been there quite a few times and if i didn’t feel like she was full of shit when she was talking i would have sympathized with her. but she was full of shit. however, i did call 911 and told them my niece was threatening to take her life. shit, she wanted to play crazy, i got her some playmates. longer story short, Tammie ended up signing commitment papers and i will find out more about Nu today.