i’m in my feelings right now, reliving things that i thought i had buried deep in the back of my mind. i confessed that Him looking at me makes me self conscious sometimes. when He asked me why, i gave Him the short answer: i’m not used to the attention.
so here’s the long answer.. i had issues with my dark skin most of my life. coming up, i got picked at a lot because of it. i was called ugly, a monster, all kind of things. i wanted to disappear a lot of times. see, some dark skin girls counter this by fighting, being loud, and so on. things like that have never been in my nature though, so i just became a wall flower. if i kept my head down and did as little as possible to bring attention to myself, i figured people would leave me alone. and they did for the most part. i had a lot of targets: being dark, being poor, mom being an addict.. ugh, i even had a jheri curl at one time. just imagine.. so yea, there were really hard days for me back then. i always had good grades, was nice to everybody (even the ones that picked on me), i didn’t start trouble, and i stayed to myself. pretty soon i was just the weird quiet nerd people came to for answers on their tests. by the time i got to high school, i was pretty much a ghost; until i quit. it was just one day and looking back on it now i feel so stupid for letting it be the reason that i quit. i can’t even remember what i was wearing, but i must have committed a heinous dress code crime. all that day i got picked on and shit threw at me. i couldn’t take it. i called my grandma, faking a migraine and the next day i told mama i wasn’t going back, i had just turned 16 and in the state of nc, she couldn’t make me go to school if i didn’t want to at that age. she was so mad. i think she was more disappointed than anything, but it came out as anger.
over the years i just got used to being in the background. yea i was fucking, but that’s how i got the attention that i wanted. it didn’t matter that i’d probably never hear from that person again, or if i did it would be only be for one thing. i was finally getting attention. after awhile that got old. i had a few friends but those were superficial friendships. they talked as much shit about me as so-called outsiders did. so, i was back to being by myself. you get used to it.
when i got with my bd, it was more or less getting what i was used to. he hardly notices me unless dinner isn’t cooked lol. i expect that.
so now, with Him, even after all this time, i still get self conscious when He looks at me. it’s almost like i expect Him to call me a monster or something. and that’s fucked up. but, i’m fucked up. i like when He looks at me, i’ve never felt special enough to be paid attention to. when i opened up just a little to let Him know that and why, He didn’t believe me. and i didn’t know what to say because idk how to get Him to understand. how do i explain what its like to be ignored for most of my life to One who’s so used to getting attention, it gets on His nerves? idk.