Monthly Archives: April 2013

These tears won’t stop…

I haven’t told anyone yet. I keep having dreams about my mom. She’s alive and ok, smiling even. In some of my dreams, she even has both of her legs…they be so vivid. I feel her when we hug, can even smell the perfume she wore; so vivid. Then I wake up and realize, oh….she’s still gone. I still have her clothes boxed up. Still haven’t found it in me to get rid of them yet. I know there is somebody out there who could use her clothes. In my mind I know Mama would want them to go to someone who needs them. But in my heart, maybe even in my soul, I can’t bring myself to give them away. I don’t know why it hits me hardest on Mondays. With Mother’s day coming up I know I’m gonna be a mess. I don’t even wanna spend time with Gray’s family this year. I wanted to go to a restaurant in Charlotte but now I don’t even know. When I woke up this morning, my heart was so heavy….I looked at all the boxes stacked up with her clothes in them and just cried and cried. I curled up on the couch hugging my mom’s ashes sobbing uncontrollably. I feel like I can’t function. I told my brother that I hate with everything in me that I was not able to make things right between me and her. I told him I guess that will be my cross to bear. I have been crying all morning and the tears won’t quit falling.Everybody is either at work, asleep, or otherwise busy….I don’t really have anyone to talk to. Kinda why I’m here. Hoping that getting this out will make me feel better but it hasn’t. I just don’t know..

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