Since I last posted things have been as best as I can ask for with Bestest. She still talks to me, she even called me bestest once. I grinned like a fool when she said it, but I’m not reading into anything. If I know 1 thing about her, she doesn’t idly say things just to say them. I believed her when she said she don’t wanna do this no more. That hurt. Knowing that I disappointed her hurt worse. So, we talk but at the same time I want to give her space. God I love her so..
I finished up my online orientation today. It was like a lil refresher course for me because I have taken online courses before. I am waiting to hear from my financial advisor to see how things are going with my loan application. Tomorrow is a holiday, so I may have to call Tuesday to find out. I’m a lil nervous. I mean, I love to learn, love school. But I am still scared about taking classes once again. I am gonna give it my all tho. Maybe I’ll make the dean’s list or whatever again. I do love academic achievement.
I may have a lil gig babysitting. I’m not sure how often but I may keep Biscuit a few days a week. Not much but it’s a start.
Ugh I’m tired. I haven’t slept worth a shit since Monday and I have been drag-assing all week. If I could get at least 5 hours I think I might be ok. No such luck yet tho.
What other day could my life come crashing down on besides a Monday? It’s always Monday. I wasn’t confessing. I just needed to tell someone what was going on. This nigga is bothering me, naturally I turn to her with my problem. She don’t see it that way. She don’t see it from my view at all. I was in a fucked up place looking to push my hurt away. Because I still felt her…no matter how many times I slept with Gray, I still felt her and I was trying to push that away too. At the time, it was all I could do. It was never about me being bored and lonely, I woulda been fucking if that was the case. I can never do right by her. I thought I was turning to her in my time of need. Instead I got I get bored and lonely and fuck someone and can’t be trusted. We weren’t together at the time, she had dumped me for the 2nd time…my hurt at that time doesn’t get taken into account tho.
Regardless, I’m moving ahead with what I had planned. Just because my life won’t have her in it doesn’t mean I don’t want a better life. Good job, place of my own, I still want that. I won’t let this get me down too bad. She even offered to try to be friends, which means she’s being cordial. Way more than I got last time. Either way, if we do talk or we don’t, she showed me the kinda life I want, gave me a vision of a future. I’ll always be in debt to her because of that and no matter what I’ll always consider myself hers, even if she don’t want me no more.
I may feel like blogging tomorrow, I may not. Either way, I just wanted to put something down cuz I feel like it.
I am waiting to hear from Everest about my loan application, I am hoping that it will be good news. I didn’t want to ask anyone to co-sign for me, I just don’t feel right asking people to put themselves out there for me like that. I mean, anything could happen to me and I don’t want my debt to become someone else’s. If all goes well, I start online classes on the 28th.
I’m becoming more active in the church. Not in the “lemme tell you bout the gospel” kinda way, but little activities. Greg been having me post the topic and scripture for each service on Facebook. Now, when I actually attend a service, I’m recording the sermon. Eh. I mean, it’s ok I’m just not comfortable in church. I don’t hate it but I definitely don’t like it either. Church just isn’t my thing. Long story short, I believe the churches of today are so far away from they message they preach. I won’t even go into all I believe as far as religion is concerned. I do believe in a Creator. I believe that Creator had the foresight to know all living things have to have the ability to adapt to their surroundings in order to survive. Beyond that….what wasn’t lost to time was passed down for years before it was even written down. I mean, remember playing post office as a kid? How hard it was to keep the original message intact? Imagine playing post office for at least 40 years…how much of the original message is going to be left? That’s all I’m saying. I’m not knocking religion, belief in a higher power is something many people share, myself included. Church just isn’t for me. I go honestly because I was told it’s good for the kids to see me and their dad do things together. Other than that I’d probably be home washing clothes or something. Anywho, TTFN. ♥
I think I’ve used this title before, eh, it fits tho so whatever. Plus, I’m a Supernatural fan. Judge me all you want lol. It’s been a minute, combination of me being lazy and life steadily throwing me curve balls.
Mother’s day was a hard 1. For everybody I think. I went to church with Graylan and the kids….Boyz II Men’s Mama played and I lost it. Then quickly pulled myself together because my babies started crying. My poor lil Ny, I think she cried harder than anybody in the church. I have to be strong for them. My grandmother went out of town to visit our cousins in Charlotte so I wasn’t able to see her for Mother’s day like I wanted to but I did send a cheesecake. I hope her and Leslie enjoyed it.
Later that afternoon we went to Meyers Park with Graylan’s family. I ate myself stupid lol. TJ, Amanda, and the kids came too. Amanda wasn’t feeling so hot tho. That night TJ ended up taking her to the ER. Without going into too much detail, Amanda lost the baby. Her name was Brielle Mathis, she was only a pound. TJ sent a pic to me, she looked like me and Mama. Now she’s up there with her Nana. I really don’t know how much more loss I can bear. It’s like death won’t leave us alone. I know it’s not really like that, but that’s how I feel.
I’ve been making a few life changes. One, I decided a while back to stop relaxing/perming my hair. Thankfully I keep a short ‘do, so the transition hasn’t been bad. I just have to remember to deep condition way more than I have been. Next I am on the road to becoming a nonsmoker; yay me. I had thought about quitting a long time ago, then I got to the point where every drag on a Newport made my chest hurt. Bestest was like it’s about time and she is right. I have been smoking cigarettes way too long. I won’t lie, I have been on edge but I know this will only be temporary. Honestly, I want to quit not just for me and my kids, i want to quit for my mom too. She wasn’t able to kick her habit before she passed. She was scared to, with her other addictions she didn’t think she could. So, I will quit for both of us. And finally, I start classes to get my bachelor’s degree in business administration at the end of this month, yay me x2 lol. Everest University, yea the 1 with those commercials lol. It’s a start tho. They are an accredited university and it seems like their job placement program really works. They have a high drop out rate, but I think that’s because people are using them to get a free laptop. I could be wrong, but I doubt it lol. Anywho….think I’m all caught up for now so I’m bout to burn and get ready for this class. Or “class” lol, as bestest likes to put it.