i know He was just letting me know some of His thoughts. which is great because i’m not privy to that information anymore. its just.. it doesn’t make what He said hurt less. He can’t want me… i’m trash… He wishes He could be done with me… i’m a whore… He doesn’t trust me. that has got to be hard for anybody to hear, especially when it comes from the One they’re in love with. and i feel that He thinks i rejected Him when i changed my mind. that is so far from the truth. Anybody who has been with Him would never reject Him. i don’t know what to do about that. i would never tell Him no, but i think He feels that is basically what i did. i told Him why i changed my mind. i could tell by the way He responded that i had pissed Him off. i didn’t know why until today. i changed my mind because i didn’t think He would enjoy it, that He’d be thinking about what i did. i changed my mind not knowing… -sighs- i thought that’s what He wanted. He has no use for me anymore. i’m guessing after the baby, since He’s doing that for me, i probably will see even less of Him than i do now.
Monthly Archives: November 2014
i feel like shit.. i guess i will always (more than usual) feel shitty around the holidays. this was mama’s favorite time of year… cooking for her family was one of her passions. i see her wheeling around the kitchen, asking me this and that, making sure i got everything she needed. “well bookie, i was just asking.” i don’t feel like being close to anybody. i want to curl up and cry for my mama… for the way we were; for the way we should have been. i miss her more than i ever thought possible. i’m so fucked up right now.
and it is crazy i should feel the way i do after everything, but i do. i was just being honest when i told Him i’d still have his baby. it surprised Him, why i couldn’t say.. maybe i’ll ask Him (if i really want to know). hell i was surprised too because i thought i knew how He felt about ‘vu babies. He had let me know on more than one occasion, so i kept my little daydream to myself. a girl can dream, right? i don’t even know why i told Him, keeping these kids makes me think about it a lot i guess. its amazing how much these little people remind me of Him in their own little ways. of course i’d give Him a baby.
now that i’ve told Him though, i’m nervous. i mean, yea i’m nervous about fucking Him again. He didn’t even remember the last time so my performance anxiety is through the roof. this will be The Last Time. i’m a bucket of nerves about that. but that ain’t the whole of my nervousness though. i vividly remember the my last ‘vu pregnancy, everything that led up to me leaving the last time… this has nothing to do with that. but i do fear He might get “overwhelmed” again. i can’t control that. i just want Him to know that i know this isn’t the last time. like, i understand i’m not His girlfriend or wife or slave and i don’t want to have His baby if He thinks i’m going to use her as a way to get back to that. that’s a sailed ship. i want to have His baby because i love Him. simple as that. just to have a part of Him to love unconditionally. i know this time is different. W/we aren’t a family and i know that. i know He’ll love her, He knows that i will love her. that’s what matters to me.
i look forward to taking pics with her and nickko. like, i keep going to the catty looking for things for her. trying on pregnancy fits, my avi looks so cute lol. i want to buy some but at the same time i fear jinxing the situation. but oh god i can’t wait. i think i’ve found her too but, again, don’t want to jinx anything. i’d love it if He would name her. i can’t wait to see her crib, if He’s going to make it. i know He’s busy.
i’m just excited and can’t wait to have her.
that is all i have been doing allllllll day. i can’t say why, i’m not tired or sleepy. i got up before i wanted to but i got a decent amount of sleep, for me. even woke up with some energy, cleaned the bathroom, still washing, going to clean the kitchen and cook in a bit. so whatever on this yawning i can’t seem to shake.
ny has had a ball all weekend. my niece spent the weekend with her, she had the little party at ci-ci’s, got some money. color her one happy 11 year old. (ugh. my baby ain’t a baby no more. that is opening up a whole new flood of feelings and shit for me because i see a lot of me in her. she’s getting around the age that i… well. let’s just say i don’t my history to repeat with her. her life is way different from how mine was at her age. her father is in her life, for one. plus, since i work from home, her and her brother always have someone in the house. so far both of my kids’ lives have been positive for the most part. ny had some social issues last year, but we are well beyond that now. they both have good friends, are A/B honor roll students, mind their manners [at least when out in public lol]. seriously, a parent couldn’t ask for better kids. they have the usual tween/teen issues, but i can handle it so far. sometimes i fear [know] that i’m being to hard on them. but, it comes from a good place. if they end up like me then i have failed as a parent. i want different for them, i want better.. i want them to go to college, own their own businesses, travel the world. i want them to be able to see that all the effort and hard work they put in now will pay off great later on in their lives. i could go on for days.)
so no weekly spankings. yes, i pouted about it (internally) lol. i was Told only when directed and that my next one will be “interesting”. always something to look forward to.
i have been in a better mood these past couple of days than i have in a good long time. i’m positive this good mood came from my self-spanking the other day. like, i cannot even explain. it may sound weird or whatever, but it helped me. it was like a weight had been lifted and i detoxified my soul. i have been even tempered, my cursing has been at a minimum (especially when i talk to the kids).. it was a great release. one day this weekend i will ask if i can have permission to make that a weekly thing. seems like i need it.
we’re going to ci-ci’s today to celebrate ny’s birthday. her birthday was yesterday, but we don’t do birthday parties on school days. she’s still geeked. her favorite cousins are coming. even though ci-ci’s has dessert (yuck), i am going to pick up some cupcakes. haven’t had the time this week to make a cake for her, but as long as i make something awesome for thanksgiving she doesn’t mind. lol, that’s what she said anyway. i have to pick her up from school because she has a hair appointment. while she’s there, i will get the cupcakes. i’m thinking we’ll probably get there around 5:30ish. stay long enough for the kids to get their pizza-games-sugar high lol.
i’m not His anything.. at best i am nothing more than His student. the sooner i can get my mind and heart on the same page, the better my interactions with Him will be, i think. i can still talk to Him about anything, but it’s the fact that i’m closed off from Him that’s getting to me. i have to get used to that. i still message Him almost daily but i don’t really expect Him to respond mostly. i just like to let Him know i’m thinking about Him. i miss.. everything. i keep my messages short though. no point in getting all messy with feelings. He knows how i feel. this situation is way different and i don’t want to mess up anymore than i already have. i’m happy He decided to continue giving me lessons. anything other than that is just me getting in my feelings about how things used to be. that dog won’t hunt and thinking like that is liable to get me cut off completely. i am a student. nothing more.