i think i have watched the documentary “dark girls” like three times already. i’ll probably watch it again before netflix takes it off their site. it opened my eyes in a lot of ways. colorism has affected me in so many aspects of my life. i’ve conditioned myself (because i cannot blame anybody but me for this) to feel less than most of my life. finding sites like bougie black girls and darkskinned women ❤ have really given me help. like one of the women in “dark girls” i prayed my daughter would not come out dark like me. like, when she came out and i saw her golden skin i cried because i knew she wouldn’t have to face the bullshit i did growing up in a black community. my son is dark like me and i do acknowledge that dark skin men have their own issues. but at the same time, its different. girls love my son, the white girl down the street calls him her chocolate drop. if he were allowed to date, i’d probably would have had to kill him by now lol. i laugh, but seriously.. my son’s ego is HUUUUUUGE for his age. so after everything with Him, i decided it was way past time to dig deep within me to see what’s wrong. i know i am only scratching the surface at the moment and self reflection is never an easy thing. but dig i shall because dig i must. frederick douglas said, “it is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” but, what if the builders themselves are broken? you can’t build strong children on a broken foundation. so, i dig.
the kids are still on their holiday vacation and loving it lol. they have the rest of this week and some change, going back to school on the 6th. the boys & girls club is open but i wanted them home this week. between school, after school programs and club, plus their extracurricular activities i barely get to see my babies. i know they will wear on my nerves (such is the way of children), but i miss them. my son saved my life way earlier this morning… well ok, not saved my life, but for someone who fears spiders as much as i do, that is what it felt like lol. i had to go to the bathroom barefoot, so i was looking down to make sure i wasn’t going to step on any wayward toys. there it was, right by the toilet all big and brown and hairy. i froze up as soon as i saw it. i could barely get my son’s name out of my mouth, i was so scared. thankfully he was on one of his all nighters and heard me call him. he didn’t even ask what was wrong, just came down the hall with a shoe and went in and killed the spider. i was so grateful. that’s my little man. though let him tell it he’s a man, period. -insert eyeroll here-
the kids had a pretty good christmas. they got to see all the family (that they care about) on both sides. my kids love their family, like in ways i can learn from. cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma (his side), and great-grandma (my side), they love them all. they were fortunate in that they got to know their grandma (my mom), their great-grandmother (his grandmother), and their great aunts (on both sides) before they passed. their cousins behind them will only get to know nana, aunt re-re and granny bernice through stories. we have good memories to pass on though. its funny, they don’t know my family the way i do. through my lens, as it were. i can’t speak for his side (i can but i won’t), but my family was just… no they weren’t the worst. my brother and i weren’t abused or anything, we were just made to feel different than the rest of the family. i chalk it up to being the children of the family’s black sheep along with my family’s unspoken affinity for lighter skin. me and t.j. are the darkest of all our cousins… anyway, i am going left field with this. i said all that to say i am glad my children love my family and don’t have to feel the way me and t.j. did growing up. my kids run to their family members with an unconditional love that i envy. i won’t even lie about that. oh yea, they got some of the gifts they wanted too lol.
but i did need to see this:
When you’re constantly in and out of relationships time and time again, don’t blame your exes, blame yourself. The common factor of your failed relationships is you. The best thing to do is take the time to be by yourself, heal, assess what went wrong and better yourself for yourself, not for the next ex. Start taking accountability right now.
The best way to get over a man is NOT to get under a new one, that’s horrible treatment to your body and your mentality. When you’re constant laying with different men, you take on different mindsets and you lose apart as well. Would you even able to recognize yourself? Don’t blame others, don’t blame those men and blame society. You allowed them to enter your life, be responsible enough to know when you’re at fault.
Enough is enough. Treat your body and mind right, keep it sacred. Don’t just jump into bed and into relationships with random men. Give yourself time to be by yourself. Get to know yourself best before you try to get to know someone else. Be in the best relationship with yourself before you get in a relationship with another. Don’t allow the door of your life to be a revolving one, where anyone can easily come in and out. Treat yourself like a temple, not a visitor’s center.
that constant rejection… my soul is broken.
i am going to try this thing called sleep after i finish sifting through my thoughts.
t.j. had a heart attack a few days a go. manda had told me (once he was admitted) that he hadn’t taken his blood pressure medication since the spring. i was so mad at him i was ready to fuss as soon as i laid eyes on him. but when i got into his room, i just broke down crying. i could barely get anything out, all i could say was “don’t you do this to me” over and over again until the tears stopped. while he was in there, we talked, and both of us need to do some lifestyle changes. i told him he had my help and support whenever he needs it. i still want to kick his ass, damn aries. it would take something drastic to get his ass to listen. at 32 he’s had his first heart attack.. just wow. they had to put a stint into his heart. they went in through his wrist, which i thought was pretty cool. if he would have had to get his chest opened. well. those thoughts are left un-thought.
speaking of health, i need to make an appointment with my doctor. here lately i have just felt so run down and out of whack. i don’t know what’s going on. my migraines are back and today (last night through actually) i’ve been feeling like i’m coming down with the flu or something. i went from hot flashes to cold chills. i’d wrap up in my blanket then a few minutes after that i’d break out in a sweat. if i got five total hours worth of sleep i’d be surprised. i just want to make sure everything is ok.
so for a little while i thought the universe was making fun of me. i kept seeing owls everywhere, for like weeks. 2 different days kenzie wore different shirts with an owl on each one. ny had a shirt that had an owl on it (i don’t even remember buying it for her). and then, i’ll be damned, bd brought a salt and pepper shaker set home: white owls. i was like, universe wtf? well come to find out, the universe probably was making fun of me. He has gotten astral projection down and has visited me a couple of times while i slept. i was all, yay You did it! then, wait..while i slept? i want to be happy that i finally got to talk to Him… but i don’t think… W/we can’t be friends. all i want to do is serve Him, but He has no use for me. i won’t lie and say i understood everything He was saying. i still don’t know what kind of understanding He got from his travels. what i do know is regardless of what happens with U/us, i’m not going down these roads (because W/we took many) with anyone else. like i told Him, what W/we had feels like lifetimes. there’s no point in me going after someone else in any capacity, not on imvu. it would be meaningless and i can’t fill a void with meaningless bullshit. i wanted to ask if He’d still let me have His baby. but i am so scared of the rejection. nothing hurts worse than constant rejection from the Nigga that owns your soul and heart. nothing.
so i got the email yesterday that i’m on the CHA HVC list. i’m a little amped. i just hope, when the time comes, that we won’t have to live in charlotte. i don’t feel me or my kids will.. idk, fit in(?). it has a lot of crime, i mean, a lot. that’s part of the reason i didn’t get an apartment there when i first got out of job corps. they sent me to a little rinky dink neighborhood, the apartments were just this side of being projects. i couldn’t, just no. so now that i’ve gotten the email, i’m happy but nervous at the same time. i had been wanting to get out of this neighborhood, but not if that means we’ll have to move to a worse one. i’m trying to give my kids a better quality of life.
i’ve been looking into earthships a lot lately. that is my dream home. the thing is, they are expensive. the construction drawings alone cost thousands, not to mention the seminars and books… but i have been doing my research. a lot of the money will be spent on contractors and materials. once i figure out how to salvage everything that will be needed, that will take the cost way down. i want the three bedroom one. i know nothing about building a home, lol i don’t even know anyone who knows anything about home building. the tires (basically the base of the home) shouldn’t be too hard to procure, everything else though, i don’t know. but, its my dream, i want it and am willing to do whatever needs to be done to make it happen.
i miss Him. so. fucking. much. that is all.