Monthly Archives: May 2015

TJ’s 💒 wedding

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I didn’t get a chance to get pictures of everyone, but all the family came. It was really nice and the happy couple had a ball.

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Watch “95. Love Yourself First” on YouTube

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all the feels

i’m sick (have a cold) and i’ve been inside my head all day. not a very good place to be when one isn’t feeling well. it started with a sore throat, then full blown shakes, chills, sweats, shortness of breath, coughing, sore chest (from all this fucking coughing), and a runny nose. now i’m just stuck with the last three i listed. i feel like {insert all the ‘i’m sick’ cliches, sayings, phrases} and i can’t get comfortable to save my life. sucks to be me right now. i haven’t felt this bad since i had the flu way back when the kids were little. through all the crap, i have not ran a fever though so i can at least be thankful for that. haven’t eaten this many cough drops in years though.

it’s time like this i am VERY thankful that i don’t get sick that often. working with kids, that is the last thing i need. and super thankful that it happened during a three day weekend so i won’t have to worry about getting yummy and kenzie sick… if this thing clears up by tuesday that is. i am feeling better, way better than yesterday. i couldn’t bring myself to even want to get out of bed yesterday. except for when i coughed so hard and had to get up to spit out the mess that came up, yuck. just.. yuck.

so, when you go into a self-quarantine, all you have to entertain yourself are your thoughts and netflix. and to think, i was going to cancel that subscription. i’ll just get to the point: i’m lonely. i’m not trying to come across sad and sappy. i mean, it is sad sometimes. but not in ways people might think. the way i think about things now… the people i used to hang with… it’s bout like ‘what’s the point?’ i can’t explain it without sounding like i think i’m better or some bullshit like that. i don’t think i’m better than anybody, i would never think that. no fuck that, it is sad a lot. i wouldn’t change the path i’m on for the world, but because of that… i’m not going to put my bestfriend on blast beyond saying a lot of the shit she does/says/thinks just isn’t where i’m at anymore. if i wasn’t keeping yummy… i don’t even know how to finish that.

i was having a conversation with this dude. i can’t even remember what the topic was, but he was like ‘you are so aware’ or awake or whatever word(s) these ‘conscious’ niggas use these days. i was like, ‘i guess but i’m always trying to learn new things.’ i’m not knocking conscious individuals seeing as how i follow quite a few of those pages on fb. i don’t use them as my sole source of information though. anyway. you’d think as much as i am online, i would at least find a few like minds by now, but alas not so much. and so i get lonely more times than i want to think about. and i cry sometimes when i think about it. more out of frustration than anything because it almost heartbreaking and a damn shame when people my age/older are still having the same conversations they were having 20+ years ago. the majority of the people i know have kids who are older than mine yet i imagine their conversations versus their kids’ conversations could almost run parallel. ‘some people can’t see the forest through the trees… some people can’t see the trees through the bark’

i can’t say it word for word, but He had said something about dealing with people because something-something not being lonely… i think. i’m sure if He reads this, i will be corrected if i’m wrong. but if that is along the lines of what He was saying, i get it. i’ve cried a lot since mama died… i usually say passed; wonder what this means? anyway. at the core of my tears is loneliness. but if that’s the case, i’ve always felt this way. mama being gone brings it out more in a way i don’t understand yet. that is a lie. it just makes me feel like a pos when i think about it. it’s no secret we had a tumultuous relationship and i will live out the rest of my days knowing that i could have at least tried… at my worst, no matter how hard i was to her, she was my soft place. i can feel her arms sometimes and oh god…i’m crying now.

i didn’t mean to make this entry about my mom. that is a well of hurt that i fear will never run dry. i hated to love her but i loved her all the same. like, whatever i have put in these entries about her, i loved her more than any other emotion she invoked in me. can i see now that she did the best that she could? no. but i know she did what she could. not the best, but she did do which is a lot more than i can say for some of my friends during our formative years. i miss her a lot though. i miss her more for my kids and how they didn’t get to see their mom and nana get along more than they argued. my cross to bear and all that i reckon.

ugh. now i’m all snotty nosed from crying and i’m sure my eyes are going to look just peachy keen in a few minutes. sucks to be me right now.

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Watch “snoop doggy dogg – doggy dogg world” on YouTube

i ♥ kurrupt

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Watch “AURORA – Runaway” on YouTube

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superpower

i’m sitting here at nyny’s practice.. well waiting on it to start, listening to pandora, and listening to my little thoughts. if i’ve never explained any part of myself, i will let you know now that i’m weirdly random and randomly weird. so i’m sitting here and my mind goes: what if you had a superpower? me and my dumb ass answers back, how do you know i don’t? lol. and i’m thinking, well what would it be?

my superpower would be anonymity, so obvious right? i am unassuming, quiet, a virtual wallflower. its very easy for me to blend into the background even if i’m being social. like i don’t go out of my way to be seen so i’m forgettable for the most part. when i was young and would be hanging out, i’d notice how some of my friends would change their stories around, saying shit they didn’t say or just fabricating whole events. i was so non confrontational then smh. it took me a long time to be able to call people out on their bullshit. long long long time. in the meantime though my anonymity  made it crazy easy to see for myself the liars in my little clique. I learned some people talk just for the sake of talking. I learned that people who talk about others to you will definitely repay the favor when they talk to someone else. I learned, above all things, to keep my business to myself. I don’t know if its a byproduct of being in the hood in a small southern city or just people being people but i didn’t need mama to tell me the more people know about you, the more they will use your business against you. Some things you learn the hard way.

i was a very naive child, which is crazy considering i had a crack head for a mother. it is what it is i guess. she kept us from a lot of the things she did, even when we got grown. we have a word down here: fass, which usually reserved for kids who are fucking (or even look or talk like they are). well my clique was fass and i learned their ways real quick. hanging with them, i knew what a frenemy was before that was ever a term. and when they got me to start fucking i got to know what mean girls were on a personal level. i was sheltered, so all the shit that came with that fucked me up. i didn’t know how to act/respond. i withdrew into myself. I still hung with the same girls, but on a superficial level. there wasn’t any confiding deep dark secrets with anyone or anything girls that age do. the most people learned about me from then on was that i like to read. quietly, i became the nerd of my group.

and that, in the end, worked out the best for me. by the time i got to high school that was all people knew or thought about me. even my “closest” friends. let me tell you, when you’re only seen as the quiet nerd, you can get away with a lot of shit. a loooooooot. i was still fucking. by the time i got to high school, I was so fass i needed a cape. no exaggeration. but i kept my grades up, for a while anyway, and i never did the all out teenage rebellion thing. i never gave my mom any cause to worry about me then. and she didn’t. she was busy doing her own thing. so now imagine little nerd mika doing something untoward.. laughable right? short of going on a bloody killing spree, i could pretty much do what i wanted. I was smoking weed and had started smoking Newport’s. (to this day i have had people tell me they can’t imagine me smoking.) my brother started on the cigs before i did, so when mama’s went missing, he automatically got the blame. she would hide them in front of me and still wondered how tj got to them lol. it wasn’t until i quit school and she got me a job that she found out because i asked her to buy me some when i got my first paycheck. that’s when she put two and two together, and that was at least a year and some change after the fact.

i got used to slipping under people’s radars, is what i’m saying. it seriously has not been until my adult life that accountability has even been a thing. like, recently in my adult life. how awful is that? and if i hadn’t met Him, i probably still wouldn’t be there. i mean yea, consequences. but that’s not the same as accountability i don’t think.

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