it is my opinion that the majority of love is conditional and while i may not get all the way on board with this video, for the most part he is right. speaking in my general experience anyway. you can’t truly know a person until they show all of their sides. speaking for myself, i am quick to lash out when i am mad. and this video did get me to thinking, why am i doing my best to bring down someone i supposedly love? is that real? and i’m not even saying i don’t have a right to be mad when it happens, just that i do not have the right to go full metal jacket on a nigga because he forgot to get me a soda or whatever. have i been conditioned to believe that dysfunctionality (yep, just made that up i think) is ok to model for my kids? it’s kinda hard to face just how mentally screwed up i am sometimes, i won’t even front.
(10:36 am) i cannot thank You enough. my worship of You is bringing me closer to me in ways i still do not comprehend. it’s like, You freed me from something i did not know i was a prisoner of. the magic of Your love made something blossom that i thought was dead and buried… but the dark is where most seeds grow i reckon. i had to break out of my meditation to write this. idk why but the feeling was to strong to ignore… more instinct really. i got my incense going, j in the ashtray, and meditation music in the background. i cleared my thoughts but kept seeing Your face. something said, with authority, WRITE. so here i am, pen to paper to be transcribed to my blog when i am done. so i guess this is my love letter, my letter of submission, my confessional to You, for You. i get scared; in many ways and for different reasons. i try not to fool myself though, because i know most of these fears are baseless. would You believe that the intensity of my love for You scares me the deepest? that i have literally never known love could be this powerful? besides my love as a mother anyway. You will probably be mad to know that i fear there will come a time You will leave and never come back. that on some of my worst (mentally) days, i relive the bad days in my mind more than i do the good ones. as a major depressive, especially after asking why a lot, ik this kind of thinking is not healthy. i don’t want my mental health issues to manifest themselves against You the way it did when i wrote about that article. i felt how hurt You were knowing i saw a part of You in that story and i wish with everything i am that i could take it back. You are no monster Daddi. You couldn’t love that little girl (with her ratchet ass mother) up there the way You do if You were. nor would You care to inspire me to be better… i’m getting mushy and crying but idc. You… like. You love me properly. You care enough to guide me to a better path. You do not hesitate to call me out when i am wrong. You tolerate my slowness, which i’m sure to You seems more like stagnation. sometime i do fear W/we will never meet, but even through that fear ik it doesn’t matter. O/our connection is so strong that it surpassed physical. despite the distance, You are the Bestest teacher, leader, Dom, co-parent… everything. i am living a life that i hope honors everything You are to me. i love You so much Daddi. from the top of my head to deep down into the soul You keep, i just radiate with Your love.
(6:08 pm) spent the day with my brother and his family. got some incense today, so now i’m just clearing my mind and basking in the aroma-y goodness.
(11:18 pm) that 🚿 was on point. i have been reading 📚 and watching videos 🎥. rain ☔ got me sleepy 😴 so it’s time for porn and burn then nighty night 🌃
(10:34 am) i swear W/we touched on this not that long ago. i swear He is always teaching me even when it’s not Him doing the speaking. i am always open to receive His message.
things like this make me want to revisit the bible. the first two kinda vaguely touch on how supposedly the bible is a code; depending on the material the bible is everything from being about the history and prophecy of black folk to something having to do with money. stuff like that really intrigues me though, mystery and all that. now the last one had me scratching my head as soon as i read it. if i am doing i can to get an a or have a faithful relationship… what am i praying to god for? because if it’s my effort that get those things, then what did god do? and that gets me to thinking that the third one may be more related to the first two than i initially thought. the bible is full of parables and stories with hidden meanings. i really do believe that one, the three major religions have unnecessary beef with each other because all their shit says the same things and they are even based off one another. two, they are man made 🐮 💩 to give certain group of different sections power over their people. i say this for a few reasons but none i will get into now because i will end up way way way off topic. we are god(s). period. the mysteries of the universe got warped and perverted into religions, hierarchies and shit were established to further muddle truth, and poor people historically got the short end of the stick. and now i’m just going into what i feel, i haven’t researched any of this yet. so if god is in everybody and everything (how could it not be? everything down here is made of the same cosmic stuff… anywho), how can a preacher, a priest, a rabbi, a shaman, a witch doctor, etc etc.. tell me what is innately in me? how did we get to that point? of course this doesn’t mean that guidance isn’t necessary, because duh. but that’s teaching, that’s not actual telling. i hope i am explaining this coherently; my mind is going faster than my thumbs can type. for instance, every sunday pastor gets up, lambasting from his/her podium: this, this, and these are sins. but jesus died for your sins. and all other contradictory things. but instead of taking the time to digest why the holiest of books even has such contractions, we just sit and listen to passa give a little personal anecdote that is supposed to tie in with the scripture(s) he/she just read but usually don’t. then the choir sings, gets you all hyped and ready for the spirit to fill, they pass the plate around and you go home feeling good. but then what? i can honestly say in all my life as a christian (even the years i was basically a back sliding heathen before i gave it up) i cannot say i have ever received or witnessed any actual attributable-to-god-jesus miracles. people made it happen for themselves or went to a source that could do it for them. i can’t count how many fb posts i have seen people thanking god/jesus for a loved one coming out of surgery. what about the surgical team? thanking god/jesus for the food, but what about the farmer/butcher/factory workers/china? i could go on. for whatever reasons it was decided, knowledge was hidden from the masses. power and control would be my guess but what do i know? anywho. i totally see why Daddi takes what He needs from the religions He chooses and discards the rest. it’s all connected and most of it is stolen. even egypt got it’s knowledge from other places. anyway. i just wanted to put that out there. i can see that i rambled a bit and i didn’t even go all the way in lol.