Category Archives: Mika

A day at a time

Since I last posted things have been as best as I can ask for with Bestest. She still talks to me, she even called me bestest once. I grinned like a fool when she said it, but I’m not reading into anything. If I know 1 thing about her, she doesn’t idly say things just to say them. I believed her when she said she don’t wanna do this no more. That hurt. Knowing that I disappointed her hurt worse. So, we talk but at the same time I want to give her space. God I love her so..

I finished up my online orientation today. It was like a lil refresher course for me because I have taken online courses before. I am waiting to hear from my financial advisor to see how things are going with my loan application. Tomorrow is a holiday, so I may have to call Tuesday to find out. I’m a lil nervous. I mean, I love to learn, love school. But I am still scared about taking classes once again. I am gonna give it my all tho. Maybe I’ll make the dean’s list or whatever again. I do love academic achievement.

I may have a lil gig babysitting. I’m not sure how often but I may keep Biscuit a few days a week. Not much but it’s a start.

Ugh I’m tired. I haven’t slept worth a shit since Monday and I have been drag-assing all week. If I could get at least 5 hours I think I might be ok. No such luck  yet tho.

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Of course it happened on a Monday.

What other day could my life come crashing down on besides a Monday? It’s always Monday. I wasn’t confessing. I just needed to tell someone what was going on. This nigga is bothering me, naturally I turn to her with my problem. She don’t see it that way. She don’t see it from my view at all. I was in a fucked up place looking to push my hurt away. Because I still felt her…no matter how many times I slept with Gray, I still felt her and I was trying to push that away too. At the time, it was all I could do. It was never about me being bored and lonely, I woulda been fucking if that was the case. I can never do right by her. I thought I was turning to her in my time of need. Instead I got I get bored and lonely and fuck someone and can’t be trusted. We weren’t together at the time, she had dumped me for the 2nd time…my hurt at that time doesn’t get taken into account tho.

Regardless, I’m moving ahead with what I had planned. Just because my life won’t have her in it doesn’t mean I don’t want a better life. Good job, place of my own, I still want that. I won’t let this get me down too bad. She even offered to try to be friends, which means she’s being cordial. Way more than I got last time. Either way, if we do talk or we don’t, she showed me the kinda life I want, gave me a vision of a future. I’ll always be in debt to her because of that and no matter what I’ll always consider myself hers, even if she don’t want me no more.

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Frustrated

UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

So my car is down indefinitely, damn motor is gone. I have no idea wth we’re gonna do about that. We have been using Tammie’s car but hell we can’t keep it. So I guess its time to get another vehicle with money we don’t have. I loved my lil Neon too; been thru a lot with that car.

On the imvu front….I’m bored. My people don’t be on like they used to; I don’t want to be on like I used to; looking up old friends is for the birds. Think I may end up over at SL, see what they got to offer. True to my word, I have stayed away from my bestest. I’m curious as hell as to what she’s been up to but that’s not my business. I’m sure she’s having a great avi life and happy so that is all that matters to me. We haven’t been talking as much on yahoo; I miss her. But I know she has other things going on so I think imma end up falling back. Don’t want her to regret being friends with me again.

TTFN

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I Hate Mondays

Just throwing that out there. I really do tho.

Anyway, Aunt Donna’s service was beautiful. The church was packed. the people who got up to speak said very lovely things, and the pastor preached an awesome service. I’m sure Aunt Donna would have been pleased. My kids went with me. Me and Ny were a mess; Nick cried but he was strong for us. I’m so grateful he was there for me eventho I had my doubts about letting either of them attend the service. My auntie was laid to rest 11/8; this date also happens to be Nanny, Tae-Tae, and Christina’s birthday. I know everyone who has lost a loved 1 says this but the holidays will never be the same for my family again…..RIP auntie, please know that I loved you way more than I ever showed and your loss will be felt tremendously year after year. I will do my best to make you proud of the woman I am and hopefully the woman I 1 day want to be. I suck at showing my emotions, always have, but please believe that every tear I shed for you doesn’t compare to the love and admiration that I have for you.

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bleh…

My sister-in-law sang this song at church Sunday (I think that’s the title anyway), and listening to the words moved me to tears. It had been awhile since a song got in my feelings, so to speak. It is a very beautiful song. Yes, my backsliding heathen ass finally went to church with my family. I am glad I did. Greg (Graylan’s older brother) delivered a nice sermon, things I needed to hear, and I do believe that I will be returning some Sundays. The song and the sermon got me to thinking about shit in my life, things I’ve been thru the dumb shit I was doing…if I met my maker today what could I say when asked what did I do with my life? “Sorry Lord, I wasted the gifts and talents you gave me cuz I was lazy and wanted to do other things”? Not really sure that would fly.

I don’t really like to talk about religion for a couple main reasons. I think that with so much time past before the actual Bible was written, some things became skewed or twisted to be what the people of that time needed/wanted it to be. With so many so-called “banned” gospels that never made it into the text, some written during the same time some of the other gospels were written and some many many years later, how can I not think that? Then the role that the church is supposed to play in the community….I really think Christians have gotten away from what being Christ-like is supposed to be. And don’t even get me started on our holidays, bunnies handing out eggs and chocolates, a fat white man sliding down chimneys handing out presents….please. I’ll save those rants for their respective holidays.

I also found out my aunt is back in the hospital. I took Nanny to see her and regretted that decision as soon as I saw Aunt Donna. Nanny is no where near feeble but seeing her daughter out of it, incoherent and crying out in pain, she didn’t need to see that. The nurse gave me as much info as she could. Aunt Donna’s potassium shot up and she’s on Lasix (sp?). They haven’t quite figure out the correct dosage for her Lasix yet, so that coupled with her high potassium level is affecting her kidneys. I don’t think it’s as bad as Nanny thinks it is but I did tell her I wouldn’t take her back until Aunt Donna was a lil more coherent cuz she does not need to see her babygirl like that. It still amazes me how my grandma turned out to be healthier than both her daughters…sad and amazing.

Hurricane Sandy is coming and pretty much the whole east coast is trying to be prepared for it. Of course I’m worried, for my family and others, I just hope and pray that everyone stays safe. I even sent an email to fully telling her I hope she stays safe; yea I still worry about her.

Ugh…it’s Monday, my most hated day of the week. I need to get my ass up and get my day started. TTFN

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Gathering my thoughts..

So since the last time I posted shit has calmed down a lil. Graylan’s grandmother was put to rest on the 11th and my homegirl was put to rest the day after, which was my birthday. So I ain’t really feel like celebrating. Nah I didn’t go to the funerals cuz I just can’t do funerals. I don’t even want 1 when I die, for real. I told Graylan he better cremate me, don’t put me in the ground. Lol told him I’d come back to haunt his ass if he didn’t.

Oh I did get my hair cut on my birthday; its a cute lil do. Low maintenance and shit, always a plus for me. Graylan gave me the money to do that and get a couple of outfits for Ny and myself. Like, I am so loving my weight loss. I haven’t been a 12 in years and I love the way my clothes fit now. New earrings, some shades, lol can’t tell me I ain’t cute. Love this feeling.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Cowboys had a game last night and we finally got our 1st win of the season. Those boys played hard as hell last night. Not that they haven’t been, we got a nice lil squad especially when you consider a good part of our team are 1st time players. Nick scored a touchdown after taking the ball from the other team. That was a good ass game. The thing I hate tho is a lot of the parents be out there acting like those boys are gonna get NFL contracts as soon as they come off the field. Like I was soooo close to busting a bitch in the head, she don’t even know how close she was seriously. But I can say this about the Cowboys parents/families: we have not got in any altercations with any of the other families this season and we are proud of that. So fuck all that dumb shit. When parents realize its about the kids and NOT their punk asses, the games will be more enjoyable. Mfs make me sick tho. Dumbasses.

Anywho…I have to admit I am loving the stay at home mom thing right now. Being able to be home when the kids get here, helping with homework, cooking, all that I revel in. Like I know I am going to get a job soon but now I’m hoping it will be 1 that allows me to be home when ny kids get home from school. I mean it amazes me to see kids getting off the bus and not go straight home. Or they’ll go home, drop their bookbags off and right back out the door. I wish the fuck I would. Both mine know its homework before anything, I don’t give a damn bout what they friends get to do. Speaking of, I have a parent teacher conference with Ny’s teacher Friday and she already know I better hear more good than bad. I need to email Nick’s teachers so I can check his progress as well. I won’t go as far to say I’m 1 of those helicopter parents, but I’ll be damned if I let my kids fall by the wayside cuz I’m too lazy to do the least of my parenting duties. As parents, we should want better for our kids, expect more from them and teach them accountability. There are too many kids out here that want the world but don’t wanna work for nothing and then when they get into trouble, expect their parents to bail them out. Smh, I blame parents for this. How can I not? I mean we are some soft ass parents and I do include myself in that. We reward these kids when they’ve done nothing to deserve it. Buy them shit when their grades aren’t up to par or they won’t do their chores. In the end all that teaches them is they can get something for nothing and we’re fucking them up cuz the world doesn’t work like that. It’s so many parents that think their kids do no wrong, quick to tell somebody their kid couldn’t/wouldn’t do such and such when they don’t even know what’s going on. I’ll tell anybody I don’t put shit past my kids cuz I know how I was at their ages. But just because I know how they can be don’t give them a free pass. I’m not their friend so I don’t accept when they fuck up, period.

Ehh, anyway…for the time being I am loving being a housewife – stay at home mom. It’s different in a good way. Things with me and Graylan are getting better everyday. I mean I opened up to him in a way I hadn’t before. I told him about my lil imvu situation and what was going on between me and him that made me turn to imvu the way I did. Instead of trying to fix things with him like I should’ve, I was trying to make perfect relationships virtually. Everything I did/said to them I could’ve said/did with him. I took the sorry way out so I deserved to have all that blow up in my face. I mean, I hated being made the fool but I deserved no less cuz the reality is that’s exactly what I was doing to Graylan. He’s not as bad as I made him out to be and he never deserved me virtually catching feelings for people who gave less than a fuck about me. So that’s where I’m at with that.

Lemme go, I got errands and shit. Hopefully I won’t take as long between my next post, I got a lot of shit to get off my mind. TTFN

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:D

SO glad it’s the weekend. I have been feeling good, better than I have in some days. Like, I don’t even know how to explain it…it just feels nice. Graylan and I have been talking more (among other things lol) and I just feel like I’m getting back to me. What happened in the past is dead and stanking. No point risking turning into a pillar of salt looking back. I’m team mom for Nick’s football team. I’m even thinking about taking a few classes. Life is good 🙂 Now imma finish this up so I can go hang out with Tammie.

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